It's hard to describe the feeling I get in the hospital when I see doctors doing doctor things.
Envy? Urgency? Almost Frustration. I want to be doing what they're doing. But they have all put in the work that I am doing now, so I do my best to help them as an intern. Making their patients comfortable, and making the MDs and the RNs jobs easier. It's still a crazy amount of rules and procedures that have to be followed at the risk of safety.
There's also worry, because I used to have the same feeling in the Army when I saw the pilots. And I never made it to flight school. I wanted to be a pilot. God, I wanted to be an Army Pilot so bad...So I joined up as an aircraft mechanic, to be close to the birds I wanted to fly . After making SPC, I worked hard for almost a year building my application packet. Getting letters of recommendation and working volunteer events in my free time so colonels I'd never met would write me those letters. But, when I was injured, my application packet was pulled from the line. My heart sank as I read the email that told me I would have to start over from square one AFTER I was declared fit for service. And that was a gut punch I couldn't take at the time.
Sometimes...a lot of the time... I wish I had stuck it out. I wish I was able to tell that quitter in the back of my mind that he doesn't get a vote. I could have fought the med board, reapplied. Kept coming back again until I couldn't be ignored.
Have I internalized that lesson well enough now? Can I take the rejection from the people who say I'm too old? That ADHD is too much of a challenge?
There's also worry, because I used to have the same feeling in the Army when I saw the pilots. And I never made it to flight school. I wanted to be a pilot. God, I wanted to be an Army Pilot so bad...So I joined up as an aircraft mechanic, to be close to the birds I wanted to fly . After making SPC, I worked hard for almost a year building my application packet. Getting letters of recommendation and working volunteer events in my free time so colonels I'd never met would write me those letters. But, when I was injured, my application packet was pulled from the line. My heart sank as I read the email that told me I would have to start over from square one AFTER I was declared fit for service. And that was a gut punch I couldn't take at the time.
Sometimes...a lot of the time... I wish I had stuck it out. I wish I was able to tell that quitter in the back of my mind that he doesn't get a vote. I could have fought the med board, reapplied. Kept coming back again until I couldn't be ignored.
Have I internalized that lesson well enough now? Can I take the rejection from the people who say I'm too old? That ADHD is too much of a challenge?
